It was reported yesterday that a rare German hunting gun that may have belonged to Adolf Hitler sold for just over $140,000 in an online auction. The combination shotgun/rifle would have been worth around $7,000 under normal circumstances; so apparently someone (or, given the nature of auctions, several someones) thinks that the claim of previous ownership is credible.
Something about this story triggered my finely-tuned bloggerly instincts: something was odd. I set the matter aside and proceeded with my Friday routine, which seems to involve a good bit of hectic running about for little discernable purpose. Then, while I waited for my turn at the supermarket meat counter, it came to me: Hitler was a vegetarian!
The idea of a vegetarian hunter is, most will admit, a rather odd one; after all, hunting, in its primal form, is supposed to be about putting food on the table. But then, as I continued to stroll along the supermarket’s aisles (it may have been as I passed the breakfast cereals; I recall receiving an accusatory glare from the Trix bunny) I had yet another revelation: Hitler wasn’t the only eccentric hunter of his day; Bugs Bunny’s nemesis Elmer Fudd was also a vegetarian!
The apparent coincidence smelled fishy to me – although it may have been the sea-bass fillets, now that I think about it. Regardless of the source of my nasal discomfort, I proceeded to conduct some inquiries upon my return to the Mideast Musings Research Center. It was a matter of mere minutes to ascertain that Adolf Hitler and Elmer Fudd had never been seen together. I kept digging.
After some exhaustive (and exhausting) historical research, I uncovered the bizarre and shocking truth: Elmer Fudd and Adolf Hitler were one and the same person! I have not yet managed to elucidate all the details of this seemingly impossible double life; and yet I have documentary proof that the enthusiastic yet ineffectual hunter of harmless (albeit sarcastic) rabbits and ducks was also the genocidal tyrant who became our era’s leading icon of evil.
“Elmer Fudd” in a rare candid photograph taken during rehearsal – before the make-up artists and hairstylists had finished the job of disguising the Fuehrer as a cuddly outdoorsman. “He could not bear to eat meat, because it meant the death of a living creature. He refused to have so much as a rabbit… sacrificed to provide his food.” (Léon Degrelle, The Enigma of Hitler)
Was it naïve to fall for Fudd’s fatuous false front? Perhaps. Looking back on my childhood, I feel a sense of personal failure in not having unmasked the Great White (!) Hunter way back then. If nothing else, that speech impediment should have awakened my suspicions – it was too obviously designed to cover up something. And in retrospect, it’s painfully obvious that Fudd’s publication of a book of Haiku shows an influence from his wartime alliance with the Japanese.
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Having written the above, I’m aware that my revelations may ignite yet another cartoon-instigated Kulturkampf. If rampaging mobs of Warner Bros. cartoon fans start setting fire to stuff and threatening to behead “Wascally Iswaelis” who defame the Great Fudd, I suppose you can blame me. ‘Twas ever thus: those who speak the truth sometimes upset the applecart.
A Frenchman Speaks Out – the original photograph that (as a grainy photocopy) helped spark riots throughout the Muslim world when Danish Islamic leaders claimed that it was one of the cartoons published by the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. According to the Associated Press, the photograph had nothing to do with Islam or the Prophet Mohammed; someone, apparently, was telling a porky.*
*“Porky” (short for “Porky Pie”) is Cockney rhyming slang for a lie. See here for a comprehensive Cockney-to-English lexicon.
(This post can also be found at the Guns and Butter Blog.)